America’s bugging out.

Big Bob loves the free-for-all because he knows the Boogaloo is closing in.

As we venture deeper into the vast pandemic unknown, our nation struggles with a severe lack of discipline and rampant reckless disregard for science and truth.

Maybe the earth is flat, says Big Bob. You got a problem with that?

Countless white people resist the call for racial equality and scorn anybody who believes Black lives matter. White people who voted for Trump in 2016 likely will vote for Trump in November. Millions more white people might vote for him as well.

Big Bob scoffs.

Might?

Of course they will.

Big Bob knows Trump will win.

All Joe Biden’s highfaluting Democratic Party elitism might only succeed in turning young, progressive African-American, Latino and white voters against the corporate establishment dogma of a frail, elderly leader. Feeble old guard authority might only open the door wider to the increasing freedom to be as dumb as a Tallboy can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

A proud ignorance looms over our nation with all the force of a killer asteroid headed our way at redneck speed. In Big Bob World, tyranny means wearing a mask. Societal shackles tighten when government officials tell white folks to stay home and give up their barstools. Slavery means liberal public servants denying white businessmen lap dances at the nude club where male patrons rush the stage screaming, “social distance my ass” with all the patriotic fervor of Patrick Henry screaming give me liberty or give me death.

In Big Bob World, good citizens face off against evil. The common good is nothing but a Commie bumper sticker into which real Americans slam the heads of complicit government informers. Dialing a hotline to report neighbors who refuse to don face coverings makes us China. Real patriots storm government buildings to confront the deep state while savage rioters swarm the streets to attack police and call them killer cops.

Big Bob leans across the bar and says let me ask you a question.

What’s wrong with killer cops, anyway? Wait until grandma gets raped and you’ll be begging for killer cops to arrive on the scene with chokeholds. Give us more frothing-at-the-mouth toxic white male SWAT teams willing to blow to kingdom come those rabid Black and Mexican bad hombres.

Big Bob says America needs more tattoos and home schools with an Our Father recited in every classroom. We need capital punishment that kills pedophiles and corporal punishment that gives parents the God-given right to beat their kids when the rug rats step out of line. We need sanctified mixed martial arts weddings, not mixed marriages, between a man and a woman as defined by the Bible. We need legalized wife beating to remind the little woman what ’til death do us part really means.

Physicians nationwide are calling the explosion of the novel coronavirus a viral inferno, a wildfire of disease that’s marauding from sea to shining sea.

Fake science, says Big Bob.

Pansies.

Sheeple.

Baaaaaa!

Pinko scientists?

Lock ’em up!

Draft-dodging liberals?

Lock ’em up.

One of the worst mistakes American parents ever made was sending their kids to college rather than sending them to bricklayer school. In the absence of a new and improved Kent State, what does mom and dad do with their know-it-all college graduates who actually learned to think while students at an institution of higher learning?

Lock ’em up.

Hippie professors?

Lock ’em up.

Biden?

Haha.

Barack?

Nothing but a mongrel multi-millionaire Kenyan.

Big Bob says America needs more country music concerts in packed concert halls. More Okies from Muskogee. NASCAR races complete with Confederate flags and nooses. Open up the beauty parlors and massage parlors. We need steakhouses that refuse service to vegetarians, more white Major League baseball players who spit, white WASP Barbie dolls for our little girls, toy trucks for all boys-at-birth, an all-male, all-white Marine Corps and taking a knee to pray to God that the nation comes back to Jesus before the End Days send all you sinners straight to Hell.

Yeehaw!

Of thee I sing.

In a great again America, Big Bob’s Booze and Burgers is always open for business.