My fellow 2020 graduates.

No, check that.

Fellows we’re not, right, sisters?

No girl in her right mind wants to be a dick.

Woooooo!

So what’s up, fam?

I got lit and ran away from home yesterday and expect to be on some beach somewhere sometime in the next week. That’s also why I’m Facebooking my valedictorian speech live for the class of 2020, our awesome high school class that will go down in history as the biggest class of germs in the history of the United States. Let’s hear it for the germs, kids.

Woooooo!

During the past four years we have learned a lot about our school.

For example we have learned Mrs. Thomas and Mr. Flynn do it in the faculty room closet and Mr. Johnson snorts cocaine off Miss Leslie’s butt when they drink Lambrusco on the wrestling mats in the gym when the doors are supposed to be locked. Mr. Richards rolls joints for the drama club and more than one of you is involved in hot tub fun (I’ll post the videos after this ceremony) with the girls’ basketball coach.

Girls just want to have fun, right?

Woooooo!

This knowledge will no doubt be valuable as we go forward in life.

This speech marks my last appearance on Facebook, by the way, because social media is stealing what’s left of our brain cells and locking us in cyber cells. Add up all the minutes you spend posting selfies of your fish sucker lips and watching inane dance videos. Think about how much time you’ve wasted scrolling past pictures of your parents’ cats and dogs. Subtract that time from your life span and you’ll get a pretty good indication of what the future holds.

Speaking of the future, let’s give a big shout out to my twin brother, Palmer, who checked out from the COVID overdose. The coroner says COVID. My dad says the Kung Flu. My mom says he OD’d on her pain pills. Whatever, dude.

Anyway, keep watching those videos and all you’ll have to look forward to is picking up dog poop on the lawn in your golden years as an old man or an old lady knowing your cats are brighter than you ever were.

Meow, mommy.

Meow.

Not me.

Wooooo!

Wooooo!

OK, pepes, I want you to consider turning off Zuckerface and his world because his Facebook empire will sell out everything you believe in, assuming you believe in anything but your own self-absorbed selves. Making deals with the Russians, Chinese and South Koreans as long as the price is right is the new American way.

That’s why none of us should tune into that Obama crap tonight when he gives us a rousing pep talk about the dreams of our fathers. My Pizza King dad is planning to make zillions from gun-toting Bible-thumping obesity ignorance. That’s the nightmare that’s my father.

No we can’t, Barack.

I know you’re super woke and all but hope and change disappeared as soon as Joe Biden entered the presidential race. Trump will probably win again unless Biden picks Beyoncé as his running mate and then strokes and smells her hair and Jay-Z puts a cap in his white ass.

But I digress.

I’m running away with my brother’s best bud Sterling from the supermarket and you will likely never hear from or about us again. I’m 18 and love younger men, especially a 17-year-old with a load of weed and steaks already packed in the Winnebago he stole this morning.

We got this.

So let’s stay thirsty for tomorrow, squad.

I know I sure could use a drink.

Woooooooo!

Woooo!